Windows

Having windows that face a semi-busy street is both a blessing and a curse.

My room in my old apartment overlooked a weird alley/backyard area and had a fire escape as a bonus blocker of the outside world. The window was in an awkward corner that let in enough light to wake me up as soon as the sun rose (why didn't you buy curtains you ask? Because putting up curtains would mean I'd have to stay and god forbid I try to put roots down somewhere), but still made it feel like you were in a windowless room sometimes. It was hard to know what the weather was like in that room. I could tell basic light levels, but other than that it felt secluded and cut off from life.

I have two windows in my new place. It's great. Air flow. Natural light. One of them is right above my favorite bar/bakery and I am legit thinking about constructing a pulley system to deliver cookies without having to deal with the five flights up to my apartment. I CAN SEE THE MOON. They are literally windows to the outside world. I can hear weird conversations, the latest dance hall/soca hit blasting from passing cars, that general hustle and bustle of busy lives.

I even bought curtains. You know, those curtains I didn't buy for two years in my old place because I was so afraid I'd get them then leave and they'd be useless in a new place and oh no look at that I've wasted even more money. I kinda had to buy curtains. My new windows have windows across the street that can see right into my room and it's generally considered good form to at least pretend to want to shield your naked business from others.

On beautiful days I cannot ignore that it is nice outside and waste my time watching old vine compilations on the internet. I actually go outside. I even go outside when I'm feeling sad about the myriad of things I feel sad about and go for a walk. The windows force me to connect with a world from which I so often isolate myself.

But sometimes the windows make me feel even more isolated.

I hear the laughter of friends and am reminded of my own failures to reach out a form bonds in this city. On really bad nights like tonight while I'm curled up in a ball crying because my anxiety and depression have conspired to make me think everyone hates me the windows feel like they're mocking me. "Listen to the rest of the world go by without a care for you or your pain," they taunt.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go out and try to get the world to care about me, but tonight I'll just pull the curtains close.