Jan 26

Trying to do no screens after 9. Couldn't sleep last night and ended up messing around on the ukulele for like 30 min. Maybe insomnia will be the push I need to get more creative.

Too bad I've got roommates. No one appreciates 1 am clarinet sonatas.

Jan 25

One Positive Side Effect of Having Bulimia: Discovering Clean Public Restrooms in NY

When I first fell into the whole binging and purging thing it was confined to private spaces. The cycle only occurred in my tiny studio in Chicago. It made it easier to be like, this is not a problem. I can stop this anytime.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Then I moved to Boston and had to get roommates. This meant sharing a bathroom. This meant my eating disorder was occurring in a shared space. It wasn't too long before my eating disorder finagled its way into my work space as well.

Then I moved to New York and would sometimes find myself "binging" while out running errands or before meeting up with people. This presented a problem.

When I ate what my brain deemed too much and knew I wouldn't be home for awhile, I would have to purge in a public toilet. Now, public toilet hygiene ranges from almost sparkling to "omg why am I in here I am going to catch a disease." When you're bent over a toilet throwing up you become even more aware of how gross a bathroom is. Staring directly into the mouth of a public toilet really makes you question your life choices. Maybe that's why I decided to do therapy in earnest.

So I started creating my own database of Acceptable Bathrooms to Throw Up In.

As therapy has started working and I've engaged in the binge/purge cycle less and less, this has turned into a regular ol' list of bathrooms for people out and about in NYC.

Bathroom Tips for NYC:
Nordstrom Racks tend to be reliably clean and not too crowded.
Avoid the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut bathroom by Union Square at all costs.
Not all Starbucks have bathrooms and this is very annoying.
Panera bathrooms still require codes.
Just because it is a Whole Foods does not mean it has a nice bathroom.
Athleta stores have very nice bathrooms as well as water fountains.
Train station bathrooms are eh.
McDonalds bathrooms are hit and miss.
Ditto for Targets.

Jan 19

Apparently I am writing a country song (or what would probably be labeled a country song) born out of my recent frustration with the clothes I own and hate on my body right now. Trying to channel that into songwriting instead of buying clothes so yeah.

[Verse]
Everything is too tight
not right
Don't think I'll make it out tonight
Staring at the hangers with a frown
That shirt's dumb
not fun
Do I have another one?
Is there something in that pile on the ground?

[chorus?]
I've got a closet full of clothes
and yet nothing to wear.
Is the problem my wardrobe
Or just my face and hair?

Jan 18

I wrote down snippets of songs today. It's weird. Sometimes I'll be listening to someone else's song and a line or two will just pop into my head.

I want to carve time out for me to actually sit and work on something.

Goal for the year: write 1 whole song. Like, 3 min worth of song at least.

Ok.

Considering how well the whole "post once a day" thing is going I don't know if this'll actually get down, but we shall see.

Jan 15

Spent the evening listening to the Finding Fred podcast and crying like you do.

I should have spent time putting laundry away or planning science tomorrow or editing my German counterpart's report card comments, but no. I wanted to listen to stories about Fred Rogers being just the kindest human being and thinking maybe I should attend divinity school and talk about god and being kind.

Really I think some days I just want to go back to school.

I miss the simplicity of it. That's one thing that scares me about possibly going on to pursue my PhD. It won't be as straightforward as getting my MEd. Earning that was mostly like getting a more specialized bachelor degree.

I have to come up with IDEAS to get a PhD. And I so often second guess my own intentions and interests. How am I supposed to know what research topic I truly want to pursue when most days I don't even know how I feel about the rest of life?

Also writing is hard. That's why I'm trying to do this while once a day every couple of days writing thing.

I need to remember I still have time. Most people wait a bit before doing the whole PhD thing. W&M was just filled with overachievers who all wanted their fancy hats and robes before turning 30.

Jan 12

There is a callus on my right hand on the knuckle at the base of my middle finger.

It's not very visible; you can really only see it if you know what to look for.

It's a sad kind of callus.

It's not formed from hard work or repeated use for something life-affirming like making art or music.

I used to have joyful calluses. There was the one on my right thumb from holding up a clarinet for hours a day. I still have the one on my pointer from writing, but it's softened from years of trading pen and ink for the clickety-clack of keyboards.

This callus is a reminder of shame and betrayal. A symbol of self-loathing and abuse.

Maybe someday it will fade out of disuse like the one from my thumb.

I can only hope.

Jan 8

It's funny how you can be glued to a computer for an entire evening and still manage to forget to post.

It takes time to make a habit right? I know that in my heart. but it's still so hard to keep it in mind in the moment. I have the same problem with therapy. It's frustrating going and talking about changes I want to make and knowing what leads to self-destructive behavior, but things not changing overnight because that's not how things work but like they should!

I should be able to say, "Self, stop it." and then I stop!

I know better though.

I do teach 7 year olds and the amount of times I have to stay please stop doing that thing is ridiculous. I guess adults aren't that much different (although most of us don't play with our boogers).

Jan 5

I had so much work to do to prepare for tomorrow and I did almost none of it today. Just couldn't muster the energy.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel motivated to do something.

Jan 3/4

Already missed a day after 3 days. Got distracted by podcasts and Heroes of Might and Magic 3.

Typical.

Purged yesterday after telling myself I wouldn't. Didn't even binge really. Just got caught up in the numbers. The numbers are the hard thing. How am I supposed to figure out what eating to satisfy/assuage hunger feels like when there's that little, nasty voice in the back of my head saying, "But remember to lose weight and be seen as valuable you should only eat x calories each day."

Fuck Weight Watchers and all the other diet companies that taught me how to starve myself.

Jan 2

Kicked off the new year trying to get back in the dating game.

Liked some profiles and responded to comments from people and already I am filled with anxiety and tired of online dating. Trying to stay in the mindset of "this will be fun!" It is hard. Very hard.

It is not fun.

But I would like make outs. Make outs would make this fun.

New Year, New Attempt to Actually Use This As a Blog

I never can decide if New Year's Resolutions are a good thing or not. Well, mostly are they realistic or will they just be abandoned after a couple months... or one month... or a week.

I usually end up setting big broad goals and then having no idea how to actually accomplish them. I have a few already. Get stronger, do more creative stuff, be better with money. Do I know how I'm actually going to accomplish those? No. But they seem like good ideas!

One thing I do know I'm going to do is post here more often. One thing a day. It doesn't have to be text. Maybe just a photo. Maybe a snippet of something creative I'm working one. Maybe just a sentence saying "Today sucked" or "Today was amazing!" I always abandon blogging because I get so anxious about what to post that I never do anything. I agonize over if it's good or interesting.

But no one is really reading this anyway so who cares if what I'm posting is stupid or mundane?

I just need more practice in just putting stuff out there so when I have something I actually want others to care about maybe I'll be a little less scared to do so.

So yeah. One post a day. And I almost managed to miss my first day already so we're off to a stellar start.