May 10

I just wrote something maybe interesting in my little yellow notebook because I thought, "Maybe if I write stuff down here first I'll post more since the barrier seems to be just me clicking on a damn website."

Yet I have written and now that the thoughts are down there I don't want to put them here.

It's like, if I rewrite what is there it makes it deliberate. No longer a stream of conscious thoughts about whatever half-baked idea popped in my head.

We're moving on to week 8 of social distance and teaching through a screen. The thrill of the challenge has worn off and I'm just tired.

I don't want to make another video.

I want to lie around staring out my window and get lost in books about lands that exist only in the ether without responsibility looming over my shoulder.

Normally I don't mind people reading over my shoulder. I do it alllll the time. Especially on planes. But responsibility has a gall to interrupt my reading with anxiety and it's just so damn rude.

8 more weeks.

March 18

My birthday ended up being really great and I felt incredibly loved.

And then the world started burning.

We started distance teaching/learning on Monday at work. I am both having fun and dreading making all the videos needed to teach first graders.

I'm starting to get reeeeal fancy with the titles.

Do you want to learn how to calculate with nickels and pennies? Click here!

Really wish everyone would just shut things down for a week and let everybody breathe. Some people want normalcy, but my depressed and anxious brain needs a little bit of space to let my body completely relax before going full-throttle into having a schedule and carrying on. I just want like, 2 days of doing nothing but lying in bed and listening to music.

Hope all 0 of you who read this are staying healthy and sane.

March 6

Once again it is my birthday (in like an hour, but whatever) and I am making myself sad.

And wallowing in loneliness.

And really sucking at communication.

At least this year I'm not binge eating to deal (aka not deal) with my emotions. I even just turned down the offer of a free cookie. Granted, getting that cookie would require putting clothes back on and I'm just not willing to put in the effort.

I wonder what it's like to have a non-anxious brain. To not give such terrible power to such small, insignificant things. To not worry that the only motivation people have to interact with you is some form of pity.

I'm throwing a birthday party tomorrow and I have to constantly tell myself people will have fun and I am not responsible for everyone having a good time. Hell, I have to tell myself that I'm going to have fun.

I'm like the Little Engine That Could. Or as I should say, The Little Erica That Could.

I will have fun.
I will have fun.
I will have fun.
I will have fun.
I will have fun.

Feb 29

Well, it's almost three months into the year and I am posting less and less. Whoops.

I may be doing terribly at this yearly goal, but I did quite well at my February artistic challenge.

Behold the wall of polaroids!!

Did I actually take one each day? No. But I took 29 polaroids and I only threw out one that was a test for camera angle. Part of the challenge was not just taking a picture a day, but to be ok with the images I took even if they didn't come out perfectly or even close to what I thought they'd look like. I took pics of my body looking weird and the mess in my room.

They are not all pretty. Some are quite weird.

Like me.

Feb 14

I have made it more than a week without engaging in the binge/purge cycle. Granted I did eat practically nothing for dinner twice this week which is Not Good, but still.

This has been a very anxiety-filled week because I do not do well with ambiguity and I am waiting for a person to text me back and they have not and it is taking all my energy not to think about it or what led to it or just to not text again being all but do you like me? check yes or no.

I've even had to listen to sleep stories to fall asleep because my brain won't stop worrying about what might happen or what imagined terrible thing I did that this person is not getting back to me. Thank you LeVar Burton for so soothingly telling me about the solar system. I've managed to stay conscious as far as Mars. If not for my previous knowledge about the solar system, I'd think it consisted of one massive sun and only 4 tiny planets.

At least romantic anxiety has led to snippets of at least 4 songs. I even put chords to one of them! Time to go take an anxiety-fueled walk now. Go go gadget coping strategies!!

Feb 3

Instagram ads got me and now I own a polaroid camera. Because I use my expensive DSLR soooo much that I need a second camera. It's actually fun 'cause I can just hand people photos and also it does double exposure which means I CAN TAKE GHOST PHOTOS.

So now on top of this whole "posting in a blog thing" I think I'm going to pick a new creative challenge each month.

This month I'm gonna take a polaroid a day. 

Accidentally took a regular selfie yesterday since I keep forgetting to use the app to do the whole double exposure thing and just wanna press the big red button. But today I BECAME A GIANT GHOST IN MY KITCHEN. LIKE I AM HAUNTING THAT EXPOSED BRICK.

Expect more double exposure shenanigans. Maybe some light painting. The world is my fucking oyster.

Jan 26

Trying to do no screens after 9. Couldn't sleep last night and ended up messing around on the ukulele for like 30 min. Maybe insomnia will be the push I need to get more creative.

Too bad I've got roommates. No one appreciates 1 am clarinet sonatas.

Jan 25

One Positive Side Effect of Having Bulimia: Discovering Clean Public Restrooms in NY

When I first fell into the whole binging and purging thing it was confined to private spaces. The cycle only occurred in my tiny studio in Chicago. It made it easier to be like, this is not a problem. I can stop this anytime.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Then I moved to Boston and had to get roommates. This meant sharing a bathroom. This meant my eating disorder was occurring in a shared space. It wasn't too long before my eating disorder finagled its way into my work space as well.

Then I moved to New York and would sometimes find myself "binging" while out running errands or before meeting up with people. This presented a problem.

When I ate what my brain deemed too much and knew I wouldn't be home for awhile, I would have to purge in a public toilet. Now, public toilet hygiene ranges from almost sparkling to "omg why am I in here I am going to catch a disease." When you're bent over a toilet throwing up you become even more aware of how gross a bathroom is. Staring directly into the mouth of a public toilet really makes you question your life choices. Maybe that's why I decided to do therapy in earnest.

So I started creating my own database of Acceptable Bathrooms to Throw Up In.

As therapy has started working and I've engaged in the binge/purge cycle less and less, this has turned into a regular ol' list of bathrooms for people out and about in NYC.

Bathroom Tips for NYC:
Nordstrom Racks tend to be reliably clean and not too crowded.
Avoid the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut bathroom by Union Square at all costs.
Not all Starbucks have bathrooms and this is very annoying.
Panera bathrooms still require codes.
Just because it is a Whole Foods does not mean it has a nice bathroom.
Athleta stores have very nice bathrooms as well as water fountains.
Train station bathrooms are eh.
McDonalds bathrooms are hit and miss.
Ditto for Targets.

Jan 19

Apparently I am writing a country song (or what would probably be labeled a country song) born out of my recent frustration with the clothes I own and hate on my body right now. Trying to channel that into songwriting instead of buying clothes so yeah.

[Verse]
Everything is too tight
not right
Don't think I'll make it out tonight
Staring at the hangers with a frown
That shirt's dumb
not fun
Do I have another one?
Is there something in that pile on the ground?

[chorus?]
I've got a closet full of clothes
and yet nothing to wear.
Is the problem my wardrobe
Or just my face and hair?

Jan 18

I wrote down snippets of songs today. It's weird. Sometimes I'll be listening to someone else's song and a line or two will just pop into my head.

I want to carve time out for me to actually sit and work on something.

Goal for the year: write 1 whole song. Like, 3 min worth of song at least.

Ok.

Considering how well the whole "post once a day" thing is going I don't know if this'll actually get down, but we shall see.

Jan 15

Spent the evening listening to the Finding Fred podcast and crying like you do.

I should have spent time putting laundry away or planning science tomorrow or editing my German counterpart's report card comments, but no. I wanted to listen to stories about Fred Rogers being just the kindest human being and thinking maybe I should attend divinity school and talk about god and being kind.

Really I think some days I just want to go back to school.

I miss the simplicity of it. That's one thing that scares me about possibly going on to pursue my PhD. It won't be as straightforward as getting my MEd. Earning that was mostly like getting a more specialized bachelor degree.

I have to come up with IDEAS to get a PhD. And I so often second guess my own intentions and interests. How am I supposed to know what research topic I truly want to pursue when most days I don't even know how I feel about the rest of life?

Also writing is hard. That's why I'm trying to do this while once a day every couple of days writing thing.

I need to remember I still have time. Most people wait a bit before doing the whole PhD thing. W&M was just filled with overachievers who all wanted their fancy hats and robes before turning 30.